A Savvy Struggle Against Alliteration
Welcome to another blog post from Savvy Vickery. Honestly, this is one of the best essays I’ve ever read. Sure, she is my daughter – but c’mon, this is genius penmanship in my opinion. Very creatively done! I hope you enjoy this essay, and give a shoutout to a budding young author in the comment section!
NOTE: Savvy used this essay as part of her college application for the University of Chicago. Here’s the kicker: she was not accepted (she’s been deferred). Considering…
- Her scores/class rank are above the “average accepted”
- She did athletic training and tennis
- She volunteers as a middle school youth group leader
- She did a mission trip to South Dakota last summer with a longer mission trip slated for Haiti this summer
…I’m baffled! I assure you that other schools will benefit as they eagerly accept this bright young star as an incoming freshman.
Writing Prompt: “Tell us about the relationship between you and your arch-nemesis (either real or imagined).”
Savannah vs. Alliteration
Allow me to start by simply stating I cannot stand the sight of alliteration. It is a disgusting display of phonetic folly and I have been bent on banishing it from our first meeting. What could move me to such measures? The slippery syllables of a short story in seventh grade. As my tongue turned in turmoil my friends smirked and snickered and I swore to myself to catch the culprit: alliteration.
I embrace the other elements of literary device, I have not one quarrel with litotes, you’ll see foreshadowing and I are old pals, and hyperbole is my most favorite in the entire world. It comes from the tricky, teasing nature of alliteration that we have found ourselves in this positively pained position of arch-enemies. I fight for the future generations to be able to speak without stumbling, alliteration combats me with tongue twisters of Sally selling shells, and shooing silly sheep. While I’ll never understand why Peter picks so many pecks, or why someone would eat the pecks that are pickled, I nevertheless fight for Peter’s right to pick his choice of vegetable without hurtful harassment.
To rid the world of alliteration is altogether an amazingly arduous task. I must keep my consonants inconsistent and my vowels varied, I must watch for the warnings of repetition, and above all stay on guard against similar sounds. A constant battle is being fought between my foe and me. Occasionally I catch myself in the tantalizing throes of a, “Hey, how’s it hanging?” and immediately, without hesitation, slap a hand in horror over my hanging jaw. Alliteration has gotten me again! An untamed trickster, it is impossible to keep it from crawling back into my dialect on a daily basis, but still I suffer, for today and tomorrow I try. While alliteration is allowed to run rampant, I will not feel safe uttering even a simple, “Look down at that dog dressed as Dwight D. Eisenhower,” The chances of slipping into a stutter are far too great to gamble, and as a result people will be forced to forgo seeing hilariously costumed canines.
Alliteration has mocked me mercilessly for many years; in fact, it is the reason for my own name. The title of the movie Savannah Smiles – while astoundingly accurate in depicting my demeanor, which is generally genial, shamelessly sweet, and believed to have the power to prompt personality changes in kidnapping perpetrators – is founded in my very nemesis: alliteration! If this secret were to spread the results would be ruining. Alliteration has me by the moniker and only by defeating it will I be free of it’s tyrannical reign of terror. Soon people will be able to walk the world without worry of what dark, frontal phonemes wait to frighten them. Considering my quest has been continuing for five years in full force, I believe that I have almost reached it’s end. Thanks to my efforts tongues have been untwisted, stutters have slid into smoothness, and alliteration’s power has passed into pure myth. But if you, at University of Chicago happen to see an example of that humiliating harlequin, that word winding, tongue binding foe, it would be in the best interest of the university – dare I say, the world – to bring in the best, the brightest, the still slightly humiliated from middle school Savannah Vickery, to finish the job.